faded to obsolescence

Progress for a strange young lady!

Thu, 12 May 2005 16:25:32 GMT

I'm buying my car today! Craziness. I still am learning how to drive, and haven't got my license yet but this will help. One of my aversions to driving was my nervousness about damaging one of my friends automobiles. I'm already nervous enough about driving. This way, I can just have Jess, or Eric, or Jason, or Alex clutch the side of my car and not have to worry that if I hit something that it'll be their mode of transport.

I sent the last of my paperwork off to Art Center yesterday and gave them my deposit a couple days ago. This are in full steam ahead mode. I have a job at a blues club downtown doing the front desk, I'm going to attempt to get another job after the semester is over in two weeks, I've been kinda poking through Craigslist in LA to get an idea of what apartments cost, and also poking around the CL up here because I need a new mattress in a bad way as mine is old (it was my moms and dad before the divorce which ages it to probably around 20 years) and its hurting my back as of late.

Lots to do, scary exciting new stuff happening. I'm leaving soon. August. I'll be sad but this will be good for me. I'm ready for more growing up business.

Forgotton but not quite gone.

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 01:01:44 GMT

I've been avoiding my computer like the plague. It wastes the time and energy that I need to be focusing on school with poking around at stuff and I need to get the whole buckling down to steady and onward. Create! Create! I've also accumulated one of those boyfriends of my very own. Oh, and other fabulous things like my first appearance in an art show.

If you want to read more about school crap, a particular boy, my art and see some pictures... -->
The day after St. Patrick's day I got my first notification from Art Center. Its a card that basically said that I have to wait for their answer, that they're sending my portfolio back ASAP (which I have not recieved), and that I should be expecting a letter in a month to 6 weeks. I've already waited a few weeks just to get THAT postcard. The suspense is killing me.

City College is pretty fun this semester. I'm having major problems in my Editorial class due to my camera breaking and finding a voice under the harsh influence of my teacher. But my painting class and Multimedia photo class are amazing. I made a couple of diarama light boxes that I'm excited about as my teachers totally loved them. I love them too as I just had the concept one day and sat down to make them, and it just all fell together perfectly. I love those projects.

The donkey and the bunny. Eight feet of carnie fun!

I met this boy, Mr. Alex Hernandez, a few weeks ago. Really he's not a boy being the ripe old age of 34. But I met him through my friend Jason who lives up the hill from me. Alex is Jason's sister-in-laws cousin and was randomly coming to pick something up from my house from Jason. Jess had me run to the art store with her to pick up spray paint so when I got back, I come into my living room with this adorable Cuban guy sitting on my couch.

He wound up getting sucked into the character design and drawing of this demented state fair stand-ups that I was working on. (dfors also was artistically milked for a night on this piece as well.) These are the 8 foot tall paintings that were in the art show this past Monday. The response was so tremendously positive and encouraging. Its nice to get a little validation.

I'm excited about this boy, but a bit nervous as well. As most who know me can attest to, I'm not the best person when it comes to relationships. I'm starting to feel the strain of the responsibility set in and I'm not sure I like that. Its also affecting my uterus, as its trying to brainwash me into thinking about babies and all that. No no no! Must resist these crazy ideas. No children for me. At least not until after I become successful and can support the lifestyle that I would want to cultivate for myself.

Anyway, I do like him a lot. He's sweet, charming, goofy and silly as hell, considerate, consistant, and passionate. I've been spending non-stop time with him, which is really strange for me, but I don't mind being with him for two days straight. I'll get a little wanting of some space but I still have that tug on my heart when he leaves. Its pleasant. Alex is such a sweetheart. And he makes me feel good about myself. That's most important. I get caught up in people that make me feel like a lesser person too often. I feel like this is probably my first real adult relationship in a way. I can be myself and he loves all the dorky and overly sweet things about me. We actually spend time together. *gasp* And enjoy it! *double gasp*

There is so much I want to say but I'm not used to using my words lately. Dialog has consisted of kisses and glaces, breathing and pressure. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Its almost domestic. This boy has almost got me, but I can still feel parts of me fighting inside. But that's good. Its reassuring to know that my sense of independance will not get thrown out the window. I don't want to be anyones simpering little house wife. Just their love slave. Hah.

Its strange that me finding him is so fitting with me leaving. Of course, I couldn't have met him months or a year ago when I had "all the time in the world". But I'm happy that its like this in a way. I feel like I can get attatched because I'll be able to let go and move on and not have to feel obligated to stay. If things progress far enough, he can always move with me to LA, but I'm not bringing that up and its really not even an issue. The only issue is that I need to go to school down south, and not even a boy/"love" will stop me as this is something I have to do for myself. There is no denying I won't miss the crazy amounts of sex and all the affection and attention that I've been getting. And giving.

Alex drew this last night...

I've been feeling like such the happy girl lately. Its strange. Almost unlike myself, but its not. I'm still just me, but I'm smiling much more often.

Help!!! I need feedback!!

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 20:21:55 GMT

My essays for Art Center. EDITED TO ADD: Thanks Greg for all your help! Its much appreciated.

Who do you believe to be the three major artist and designers who are shaping the discipline you are interested in pursuing or who have influenced you? These should be individuals who have brought relevance to the world or to you in some social, political, emotional, economic, or other meaningful context. Explain why you feel they are important. In what ways do you want your own work to contribute to or make a difference in the world?

I’ve always admired Cindy Sherman, Helmut Newton and Diane Arbus.

Helmut Newton’s nudes enrapture me. His sensitive, intimate use of light has always caused me to pause and stare at his use of form and the abstraction of form in photographic space. I admire the fact that he stunned and changed the fashion world with his bold, erotically charged portraits of naked women. I believe he became one of the leading 20th century photographers because of his command of technique and skill in working with his subjects. Newton’s lavish lifestyle is also a fascination, since decadence and "culture" are quite present in his rich tones and seductive viewings of the body.

Diane Arbus is the epitome of what I love about editorial photography. Her subjects seem more real and human than I feel myself most of the time, thanks to her searching personal connection with the individuals she chose to document. Her ability to build rapport with strangers she saw in her environment is a source of envy and inspiration for me. Photographs such as "Untitled (Marcella Matthaei)" from the Family Albums series have stayed with me because of my prying curiosity into the lives of others. Arbus proved to me that you can capture a believably real impression of a person on film, so much so that it becomes alive and personal. Throughout her career she bravely delved into subcultures and families, photographing the peculiar bonds that hold people together. I believe that she had the ability to capture things in people that normally wouldn’t be seen.

Cindy Sherman and her body of self portraits is exciting to me as I also have an affinity towards the distortion of self-image and manipulation of outward persona. Her "film stills", with their realistic cinematic feel, are some of her more known accomplishments. I want to be able to create something so beautifully fabricated that it becomes its own believable truth. I enjoy her for the fact that both her and her images are strange, outlandish, and just plain weird. Her more recent work with mannequins, such as "Untitled #256" with the prone and hooded nude mannequin with an ax hovering near its head, delve into how colors control emotional perspective and reassert that not everything you see is what you might think it is.

I feel that emotional quality to my work is probably most important to me. Pictures that resonate with something eternal have always stood out in my mind, either as pure pleasure or a sense of solace. I want what others have inspired in me–those moments of sitting busily working at something when suddenly an artist’s image surfaces in my mind, and that reflectance that comes from so many of the great artists. I hope to be able to achieve work that people can connect with on a subliminal level.

Choose one of the essay questions below and respond in a personal and thoughtful way. We are especially interested in the depth of your thinking, as well as the quality of your writing ability (100 words or more).

1. The ability of think critically and to approach the classroom with curiosity is vital to success at Art Center and in the professional world. Explain something that you once believed to be true that you have since come to question.

OR

2. Taking a risk comes more easily to some than others, but for most it will be an important part of becoming and artist or designer. Explain a risk you’ve taken in your life that has paid off- exploring something new, confronting a fear or problem, or taking a stand on an issue.

School has always been a source of debate for me.

As a youth, I was quiet and lost in any one of the novels I was able to gain access to. My passion for reading was fueled by all the imagery and ideas that came into being in my head with the urging of the text before me. It became a problem in regard to school because as the years passed I’d repeatedly be reprimanded for reading in class and not paying attention to the instructor. The problem for me was that I paid attention to what was needed to in order to understand what was being taught to me, but after that I felt that I should be left to quietly focus on other things. I felt like they wanted me to learn at a slower pace and not really focus on my own pursuit for knowledge, which is what the system of school is really all about (at least in the realm of early education through high school).

I hated school. I didn’t fit in. No one knew all the ideas that were screaming to come out, or that I was dying inside because no one knew how to listen. I blamed everyone. I blamed myself.

My perception of school has since changed due to my new passion: photography. About 5 years ago, I started visiting museums more, shooting randomly, and eventually created projects and concepts to work
on. I proceeded like that for over a year, but while I was growing and improving, I didn’t feel it was fast enough. I wanted to learn more about design, lighting, and what exactly I could do with my film. I
wanted someone to show me how to do these things, as well as all the things I didn’t even know of. I felt my two options were finding someone to learn under, or going back to school for a photo class or two. I was still painfully shy at that point in my life, and the idea of approaching someone who would intimidate me with their authority and knowledge was rather nerve-racking for me. And so the latter was chosen.

The combination of growing older/more focused and finding an interest that I was both talented in and passionate about is what turned my perceptions about school around. I enjoyed being engaged by the
professors, being able to ask questions about processes, being shown that there are many different ways of seeing the world, and how to capture that vision on film. What I loved most was the camaraderie that
sparked and flourished between some of my fellow students and instructors. Being able to help and be helped when it came to questions about chemicals and papers, sitting for shoots, and having someone there
that will be receptive when you have that wonderful moment of success with a print you’ve been working on perfecting for hours and now want to show off.

It has become important to me to have a nurturing, challenging environment containing individuals who are passionate about their art and who have a willingness to constantly demand more of themselves. I've
finally found that sense of recognition and affirmation I’ve been looking for, through photography and through the photography department at City College of San Francisco.

One of the kids I babysit for wrote this letter to the president. I asked her to email it to me...

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 08:09:24 GMT

Dear President Bush,
Good Afternoon. my name is elizabeth and i am 12 years old. i decided to write to you on one occasion. this year you were elected as president and i very much respect you. i may have different opinions on how to run our country, but i know i cant. So i trust in you that you can run america as best you can. In america you will always think it will be the safest place to be, but sometimes we make mistakes and fall short and everyone will blame you and say its all your fault. i know how it feels to be in that kind of situation and probably everyone else feels like that sometime in their life. So this year i hope you can be the best person/president you can be by helping other countries and helping america grown back into what it really is. For America is not just a country, it is one nation under God and one big community trying to grow back together everyday in any possible way. Next week on January 20th you will be celebrating the inauguration for you returning to office. President Bush, this year i ask of you, if you can save some money on the inauguration and help the thousands among thousand of men and women suffering either from the tsunami or our iraq invasion. Mr. President ask your self this , what is really America and really how blessed are we. For america is the most beautiful and mightiest place in the world, we are a very blessed country and should be very grateful for that. But if you don't feel that we are that blessed and need to help other people, you can go and spend tons and tons of money on the inauguration, but you will miss your chance to show the many people suffering that america cares. But its not my decision to tell you what to do because you are the president. This week many schools around america have been collecting money to be sent over to asia and for a long time we have been helping Iraq. For what i know is that the children of today have more sympathy for men and women suffering than many adults. why i believe this happens is because many children can can feel how others are felling when they're not even there. So i hope you take my advice and save some money on the inauguration because other people n the world really need us. For when you make your decision don't just do it because i want you to or many others want you to, just listen to conscience and heart and you will find your answer.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth

As she was reading this, she ammended it by telling me things like when she said she respected him she was just being nice because she didn't want to hurt his feelings and yeah, she was lying.

After that she showed me the porn she came across when she was researching about getting her period (cuz that just started happening recently). She is quite the kid.

The First Day of School...

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 18:22:41 GMT

Yes. Today is the first day. There has been a lot of things going on lately but I haven't been so inclined to talk about it. Most of it, I really don't know what to say about it, also I've been a bit busy trying to work on this stupid paintings that I'm just not that into. I don't even know why I'm continuing with painting classes. I find it frustrating and I don't think its my thing.

My courses for this semester:
Intermediate Painting
Mixed Media and the Photographic Image
Saber Fencing
Editorial Photography (this class is suppossed to be really difficult)
Psychology of Stress

Oh how I'll miss never leaving the house though. I have my first babysitting job in a month on Friday. New people too reccommended by a current family. Good stuff.

What to wear, what to wear.... Maybe I'll see Benjamin sometime this semester. Prettiest boy I ever did see.

For some reason...

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 23:02:59 GMT

I like to miss people.

And I don't think that the people I know or that I'm friends with realize how often I think about all of them. I spend a lot of time thinking, or doing things like painting where I can think while I work... I live in my head and in my memories. I relive things over and over in my head. Its like they keep me company since I spend most of my time alone.

Sometimes I think its better that way. But then I think about all the new adventures I miss creating. That's where I think balance comes into play. I'm always wanting new adventures.

I want to go swimming in that one creek up north with all the snow melt water and freeze and shiver. I want to go to Mexico and lay on a beach with tacos and beer. I want to kiss someone on a hot dance floor, in the cold rain, and in my doorway.

There is excitinment hiding inside me somewhere.

You didn't know I was gone but I was!!!

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 19:03:14 GMT

So, the day before NYE Yaoska called me and was telling me things like "YOu're coming down (to LA), right? Right?!" And no one had called me about working and Paige hadn't called me back about hanging out so I figured no one cared if I was in SF or not. Problem is I had enough money to get down there with only $7.00s left over. I told her I was comepletely broke (which I don't think she got) and she was like "its fine. just come down and i'll get you back home."

So, New Years Eve I hoped the CA shuttle bus down to LA. On the way there my uncle's car got hit which I should have taken as a sign not to go. The bus leaves almost an hour late, and the fucking bus driver got lost in Studio City. So I wound up getting there after nine and everything was getting crazy and frantic. Yaoska and Beatrice pick me up. We head to Jorge's and I start changing. Beatrice asks "So where are we going?" Yasoska tells her "this is it." Both me and Beatrice look at each other fairly annoyed. And then the huge explosion when Yaoska finds out that Jorge's friends had taken her eight of pot. And at midnight Yaoska accidentially burns Beatrice (her best friend) in the eye with a cigarette pretty bad. It was a really random night but it was alright. I would have loved to have gone dancing instead but it was nice to see a room full of really attractive and educated latinos. (Me being the only one who coudln't speak spanish, of course.)

After that, I basically didn't eat for days and coudlnt' really do anything because of my lack of money. I got a $40 from my mom but that only lasted a few days with the needing to buy food (and that damn jacket). I dont' know. I freak out when I'm in Los Angeles. Its not like I don't like the city, I actually think its really interesting. Its the complete stripping of freedom that happens when I get there. I don't like feeling helpless and dependant on other people. Its beyond uncomfortable for me.

I started crying when my mom called me on what turned out to be my last day here. She asked if I wanted to come home and if I needed money and I said yes to both. Yaoska was a bit wierded out as she told me she's never seen me cry before. I though I cried all the time, but she's right. I hardly ever cry around people. I just don't like being vulnerable around anyone.

So, I come back home yesterday to a major upheavel in my family. An hour away from the city I find out from my mother that Carly has dumped Jessica again and Jessica is moving back home. When I am actually back in the city, I find out that my sister got dumped by her girlfriend the day after Christmas. So my two sisters are freaking messes and I get to live with one of them again. Problem is, now I have to dismantle my studio, which is now going to become Jessica's room. So now its liek I'm breaking up with someone. My work space has to leave me now. I spend so much time in this room... sigh. But I don't want to have Jessica sleeping in my bed. It just feels wierd. Plus I think she is really going to need her own space to get her head and life back together after this.

Then this new boy Gerald that I met a few weeks ago and we've slept together once already. (Basically we've seen each other twice) He calls me and asks if I can do him the favor of cutting some matboards for his roommate that's leavnig for LA today. He also keeps calling me "my friend" which I'm so not getting. Anyway, he comes over with his roommate Jared to get it done. The pictures were a bit strange so I was asking what was up with the strange lines. I think the friend Jared boy got all offended about it, even though I so wasn't criticizing and I was just asking but I think I come across meanly to people that don't know me because people are forever getting offended at me. So, yeah... I don't think his friend likes me which makes me sad, because that might have some influence on how Gerald acts towards me. I was looking really cute in my tight falling off my ass Levi's and the cute vest I just got (kind of boyish 70s chic), but it might have been too much for right then. It bothered me a lot and I had a hard time getting to sleep.

I've just been a lonely girl with a strong lack of affection and attention and I am scared that my faulty personality already has driven this boy away. He said last night that he wants to hang out tonight but I doubt he'll call me after last night. It wasn't baaad per se, but it was more than a tad awkward. GAH!

I can't help that I'm strange around new people!!!

Anyway, so I'm going to eat, put on some sneakers, throw clothes in the laundry and start dismantling my studio. *sniff sniff*

Shane is a very sweet boy.

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 10:01:38 GMT

He wrote:

Carla,
Have fun in LA (if that is where you will be).

Thanks for that complete list of SF things to do.

I don't know what I will do. It seems that I just don't have the motivation to party that I used to.

NYE will forever be linked and compared to the night I met you... That was amazing.

Have a wonderful night and 2005.

<3
shane

He's one of those people I wish that we could still be friends but it just ended far too awkwardly and I can't really talk to him when I see him in person. At least I have warm memories. That's something.

Exciting news!!!

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 05:48:51 GMT

Paige, Jade and I did some hanging out last night. Paige has a thing for molesting girls in photobooths.

As you can see, I was passed out in the photobooth and she started molesting me.

And since I liked it so much, we're getting married!!! EEE!!!

Anyway, been having quite the exciting day with Paige. Sephora, Macy's, getting engaged.

Wooo... Now who else wants to marry me? I'm a hot ticket, I tell ya.

PRESENTS!!!

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 01:29:26 GMT

Thank you so much to korshka for the amazing cookies you shipped me from the lovely land of Ohio!

I never get things in the mail and I was beyond excited to recieve something. And they were THREE different types of cookies! WOOOHOOO for awesome LJ friends.

Her cookies were damn yummy and didn't survive most than 6 hours at my house. Yum yum. and thank you korshka!

Fun quizness!

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 12:20:32 GMT

Your World (Part Three): How do you see your world [girls]
brought to you by Quizilla

Your World (Part Two): Your social world [girls]
brought to you by Quizilla

Your World (Part One): What is your world made of? [girls]
brought to you by Quizilla

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 16:49:28 GMT

Jesus fucking CHRIST!!!

I'm up early trying to be a good girl and go to class since I've been out for two weeks now but then I go to find myslf some bus money and i can barely scrounge up 40 cents!!! I went to my mom's room to try and raid her little coin jar and its empty. Freaking hell. How am I going to get to class?

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 21:41:38 GMT

"For even the most childish intoxication with progress will soon be forced
to recognize that writing and books have a function that is eternal. It will
become evident that formulations in words and the handling on of these
formulations through writing are not only important aids but actually the
only means by which humanity can have a history and continuing consciousness
of itself." (Hesse in Reading in Bed, ed. by Steven Gilbar, 1974)

Christmas Cards!!!

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 19:47:43 GMT

Hey guys! I want addresses for Christmas cards!!
Either put it in comments or email me at Skylarnova@aol.com

Hep, korshka, and Paige, I already have yours. Everyone else, if ya want some love from me, gotta send me the info.

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 23:18:23 GMT

I don't think its normal to ALWAY feel so exausted. I sleep 7 hours, I wake up tired. I sleep 10 or 12 hours, I still wake up feeling like I need more sleep. I think I only have a couple optimal hours each day in which I can think proficiently and have some kind of alterness. Most of the time, I feel the need to sit or lay down. I don't think this is a good thing...

Hard core art school here I come!

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 06:51:22 GMT

Tonight at City College there were speakers from Academy of Art University (SF), Art Center College of Design (Pasadena), and San Francisco State all talking about their art programs and answering any questions that students might have for them. I went to see the speakers as I have major interest in attending The Art Center. Its there or New York for me and I think I want to stay in California for now, and maybe do my grad work in NYC.

So, the presentation was really thourough and covered all the art programing (it wasn't a photography department thing so it was more broad) of the different schools. I was really impressed by the existing work of the students and of the faculty. The student to teacher ratio is 12:1, and most of it is studio time. The school is highly technical and more commercial based but the lecturer said that the new department chair is making a push to incorporate more fine art into the curriculum. Which is fine with me, and I'm highly fine art based, but I want to make money as well, and so the commercial aspect will be very needed for me. Basically the school's philosophy is to combine art with industry. Its highly structured which is good for me as I need that, and the assignments are approached in a way as if your teacher is your client and you have meetings to go over concepts and work with the "client" through the process as you would in the real world of professional commercial photography.

Anyway, after the lecture I had some questions for the woman who was speaking. We went into the hallway as the SF State speaker was starting his presentation. I asked her questions about what are they looking for in a portfolio and what a solid body of work meant to them. I had put together a varied portfolio in chance that they were having reviews tonight which they weren't. I told her I had a selection of works with me and she offered right if I wanted her to take a look at it. Turns out she's one of the counselors that would be looking at, and admitting my work anyway.

So, I drag her over to the photography department where there are tables to lay out my work, and good lighting. So she starts going through everything and tells me that she likes what she sees and that I'm ready to apply! This is a harder school to get into because your portfolio has to be really put together and has to meet a high standard. The average incoming freshman age is 23 as they don't want people straight out of high school that haven't really figured out what they want to do yet. They want people who've taken classes, worked on their craft and definitely know what medium they want to use and have gained that focus that's needed for this school.

She thought my work was highly consistant in quality, that the series pieces show strong continuity, that while I mostly work with people the images are varied and imaginative. She liked the fact that I've worked on locations, and in studios, have color and black and white. And that I have fine art work, and more modern commercial type work. Basically. she was really excited and told me that I can apply for as soon as the Spring semester. Woo!

I'm really pleased with myself at the moment. This is good because I've been beyond discouraged and hating everything that I'm making because I'm just hating my life in general right now. I've been depressed and unexcited and haven't been able to see anything without a cloud of disappointment covering everything I do. This makes me happy to know that someone who sees amazing art all the time sees potential in me. And while I know right now that I'm not the best at what I do, that there is a good chance that someday I will be. I'm excited. All the hard work, and crying and nervous breakdowns and long hours covered in chemicals that will surely one day give me cancer or lung disease isn't for naught.
Today was a very good day.

(photographer's note: This picture doesn't do the actual image justice. This was taken with a 4x5 view camera so there is IMMENSE detail in the environment, while the figure is slightly blurred intentionally to show movement, but the rest is in crisp focus.)

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 19:38:36 GMT

I am freaking hung over. I totally threw up on the way home. Just a little, but yep, threw up in my purse. And the pervy cab driver was trying to hit on me. Oh yeah.... I had to dig in my purse for my keys amidst the throw up. Now that was HOT.

I woke up this morning naked and totally disoriented. This is why you don't leave me with the bottle of vodka. Especially since I don't drink anymore. My body was getting unused to it.

Nothing amazing of fabulous happened but that's okay. I had fun anyway.

There wasn't many pictures taken of me just so you know. I can get dressed up again and have someone take my picture though. We'll see...

screams

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 10:05:41 GMT

I hate people.
Fucking bullshit. I just need not deal with anyone anymore and thus I won't have to deal with hurt feelings and rediculous arguments.
Its fucking over. I just don't want this.

Strange Yumness.

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 08:43:28 GMT

I just made this really good sandwhich. It has Bavarian Headcheese (a type of luncheon meat), goat cheese, purple onions, clover sprouts and a bit of horseradish sause. Its pretty freaking good, dammit.

Carpal Tunnel to the rescue!

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 08:19:25 GMT

I have this sudden urge to watch Ghost World but I'm too busy trying to alter the jacket for my costume as the sleeves were too wide. I want to put some gold bricabrac or some random ribbonage to make it even fancier. That and I NEED to dye it black or a cool color as this white color is NOT going to work at all.

I'm lonely. I need some sewing chit chat here!

The not so successful result of my photo assignment. Reshooting tonight.

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 07:30:56 GMT

I don't know photoshop, else I'd darken the neck area, which is what I could do in the darkroom. I really need to take a computer imaging class.

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 07:31:09 GMT

My lovely pink hair friend and I had an awesome conversation tonight about boys, and art, and life, and problems and lots of stuff.. anyway, this was my highlight:

she said " i want a boy to buy me paints and feed me coffee and desserts and dress me up in lingere and i would churn out photos and paintings and give blowjobs like a hooker."

Hell yeah. That is such a lovely idea, and wish something like that could actually happen to me.

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 09:15:29 GMT

I feel like I'm being ignored.

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 07:23:00 GMT

Jason left a partial bottle of Jack Daniels at my house. I'm drinking it.
I need to take pictures for one of my assignments. I dont' want to. I don't want to do anything that will help myself right now.

I'm full of hate. I need to let it go.

On a way more serious note...

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 05:46:50 GMT

Jessica is in the hospital. She had to go in for emergency surgery yesterday because the lump in her neck kept on getting bigger and bigger over the last week. Finally it was so bit that it filled her whole hand.

The doctors took out the cyst (they didn't know what it was for a long time and thought it was a calcium deposit or a clogged salivary gland, stones, something...). Now she has a 4 or 5 inch scar across her neck. Its really narly and she's completely out of it. She's on morphine drip and its making her throw up and feel nauseated.

This girl is so energetic, silly and full of life. She looked like a beaten rag doll. It scared me beyond belief to see her like this. She's probably going to be okay now. She's going to be in the hospital for a few more days just so there is a lesser chance of infection with the doctors monitoring her wound. I think she gets the drainage tube taken out of her neck tomorrow.

She let me take a couple pictures. No, I'm not evil. The fear fascinates me and I want to be able to work through it or something. Plus, she wants me to take pictures of the sticked up wound later when she is less out of it.

My poor Tootie. Carly's been with her most of the time. I'm going back tomorrow to spend a good part of the day with her.