faded to obsolescence

I'm buying my car today! Craziness. I still am learning how to drive, and haven't got my license yet but this will help. One of my aversions to driving was my nervousness about damaging one of my friends automobiles. I'm already nervous enough about driving. This way, I can just have Jess, or Eric, or Jason, or Alex clutch the side of my car and not have to worry that if I hit something that it'll be their mode of transport.

I sent the last of my paperwork off to Art Center yesterday and gave them my deposit a couple days ago. This are in full steam ahead mode. I have a job at a blues club downtown doing the front desk, I'm going to attempt to get another job after the semester is over in two weeks, I've been kinda poking through Craigslist in LA to get an idea of what apartments cost, and also poking around the CL up here because I need a new mattress in a bad way as mine is old (it was my moms and dad before the divorce which ages it to probably around 20 years) and its hurting my back as of late.

Lots to do, scary exciting new stuff happening. I'm leaving soon. August. I'll be sad but this will be good for me. I'm ready for more growing up business.

I've been avoiding my computer like the plague. It wastes the time and energy that I need to be focusing on school with poking around at stuff and I need to get the whole buckling down to steady and onward. Create! Create! I've also accumulated one of those boyfriends of my very own. Oh, and other fabulous things like my first appearance in an art show.

If you want to read more about school crap, a particular boy, my art and see some pictures... --> ( Read more... )

My essays for Art Center. EDITED TO ADD: Thanks Greg for all your help! Its much appreciated.

Who do you believe to be the three major artist and designers who are shaping the discipline you are interested in pursuing or who have influenced you? These should be individuals who have brought relevance to the world or to you in some social, political, emotional, economic, or other meaningful context. Explain why you feel they are important. In what ways do you want your own work to contribute to or make a difference in the world?

I’ve always admired Cindy Sherman, Helmut Newton and Diane Arbus.

Helmut Newton’s nudes enrapture me. His sensitive, intimate use of light has always caused me to pause and stare at his use of form and the abstraction of form in photographic space. I admire the fact that he stunned and changed the fashion world with his bold, erotically charged portraits of naked women. I believe he became one of the leading 20th century photographers because of his command of technique and skill in working with his subjects. Newton’s lavish lifestyle is also a fascination, since decadence and "culture" are quite present in his rich tones and seductive viewings of the body.

Diane Arbus is the epitome of what I love about editorial photography. Her subjects seem more real and human than I feel myself most of the time, thanks to her searching personal connection with the individuals she chose to document. Her ability to build rapport with strangers she saw in her environment is a source of envy and inspiration for me. Photographs such as "Untitled (Marcella Matthaei)" from the Family Albums series have stayed with me because of my prying curiosity into the lives of others. Arbus proved to me that you can capture a believably real impression of a person on film, so much so that it becomes alive and personal. Throughout her career she bravely delved into subcultures and families, photographing the peculiar bonds that hold people together. I believe that she had the ability to capture things in people that normally wouldn’t be seen.

Cindy Sherman and her body of self portraits is exciting to me as I also have an affinity towards the distortion of self-image and manipulation of outward persona. Her "film stills", with their realistic cinematic feel, are some of her more known accomplishments. I want to be able to create something so beautifully fabricated that it becomes its own believable truth. I enjoy her for the fact that both her and her images are strange, outlandish, and just plain weird. Her more recent work with mannequins, such as "Untitled #256" with the prone and hooded nude mannequin with an ax hovering near its head, delve into how colors control emotional perspective and reassert that not everything you see is what you might think it is.

I feel that emotional quality to my work is probably most important to me. Pictures that resonate with something eternal have always stood out in my mind, either as pure pleasure or a sense of solace. I want what others have inspired in me–those moments of sitting busily working at something when suddenly an artist’s image surfaces in my mind, and that reflectance that comes from so many of the great artists. I hope to be able to achieve work that people can connect with on a subliminal level.



Choose one of the essay questions below and respond in a personal and thoughtful way. We are especially interested in the depth of your thinking, as well as the quality of your writing ability (100 words or more).

1. The ability of think critically and to approach the classroom with curiosity is vital to success at Art Center and in the professional world. Explain something that you once believed to be true that you have since come to question.

OR

2. Taking a risk comes more easily to some than others, but for most it will be an important part of becoming and artist or designer. Explain a risk you’ve taken in your life that has paid off- exploring something new, confronting a fear or problem, or taking a stand on an issue.

School has always been a source of debate for me.

As a youth, I was quiet and lost in any one of the novels I was able to gain access to. My passion for reading was fueled by all the imagery and ideas that came into being in my head with the urging of the text before me. It became a problem in regard to school because as the years passed I’d repeatedly be reprimanded for reading in class and not paying attention to the instructor. The problem for me was that I paid attention to what was needed to in order to understand what was being taught to me, but after that I felt that I should be left to quietly focus on other things. I felt like they wanted me to learn at a slower pace and not really focus on my own pursuit for knowledge, which is what the system of school is really all about (at least in the realm of early education through high school).

I hated school. I didn’t fit in. No one knew all the ideas that were screaming to come out, or that I was dying inside because no one knew how to listen. I blamed everyone. I blamed myself.

My perception of school has since changed due to my new passion: photography. About 5 years ago, I started visiting museums more, shooting randomly, and eventually created projects and concepts to work
on. I proceeded like that for over a year, but while I was growing and improving, I didn’t feel it was fast enough. I wanted to learn more about design, lighting, and what exactly I could do with my film. I
wanted someone to show me how to do these things, as well as all the things I didn’t even know of. I felt my two options were finding someone to learn under, or going back to school for a photo class or two. I was still painfully shy at that point in my life, and the idea of approaching someone who would intimidate me with their authority and knowledge was rather nerve-racking for me. And so the latter was chosen.

The combination of growing older/more focused and finding an interest that I was both talented in and passionate about is what turned my perceptions about school around. I enjoyed being engaged by the
professors, being able to ask questions about processes, being shown that there are many different ways of seeing the world, and how to capture that vision on film. What I loved most was the camaraderie that
sparked and flourished between some of my fellow students and instructors. Being able to help and be helped when it came to questions about chemicals and papers, sitting for shoots, and having someone there
that will be receptive when you have that wonderful moment of success with a print you’ve been working on perfecting for hours and now want to show off.

It has become important to me to have a nurturing, challenging environment containing individuals who are passionate about their art and who have a willingness to constantly demand more of themselves. I've
finally found that sense of recognition and affirmation I’ve been looking for, through photography and through the photography department at City College of San Francisco.

Dear President Bush,
Good Afternoon. my name is elizabeth and i am 12 years old. i decided to write to you on one occasion. this year you were elected as president and i very much respect you. i may have different opinions on how to run our country, but i know i cant. So i trust in you that you can run america as best you can. In america you will always think it will be the safest place to be, but sometimes we make mistakes and fall short and everyone will blame you and say its all your fault. i know how it feels to be in that kind of situation and probably everyone else feels like that sometime in their life. So this year i hope you can be the best person/president you can be by helping other countries and helping america grown back into what it really is. For America is not just a country, it is one nation under God and one big community trying to grow back together everyday in any possible way. Next week on January 20th you will be celebrating the inauguration for you returning to office. President Bush, this year i ask of you, if you can save some money on the inauguration and help the thousands among thousand of men and women suffering either from the tsunami or our iraq invasion. Mr. President ask your self this , what is really America and really how blessed are we. For america is the most beautiful and mightiest place in the world, we are a very blessed country and should be very grateful for that. But if you don't feel that we are that blessed and need to help other people, you can go and spend tons and tons of money on the inauguration, but you will miss your chance to show the many people suffering that america cares. But its not my decision to tell you what to do because you are the president. This week many schools around america have been collecting money to be sent over to asia and for a long time we have been helping Iraq. For what i know is that the children of today have more sympathy for men and women suffering than many adults. why i believe this happens is because many children can can feel how others are felling when they're not even there. So i hope you take my advice and save some money on the inauguration because other people n the world really need us. For when you make your decision don't just do it because i want you to or many others want you to, just listen to conscience and heart and you will find your answer.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth

As she was reading this, she ammended it by telling me things like when she said she respected him she was just being nice because she didn't want to hurt his feelings and yeah, she was lying.

After that she showed me the porn she came across when she was researching about getting her period (cuz that just started happening recently). She is quite the kid.

Yes. Today is the first day. There has been a lot of things going on lately but I haven't been so inclined to talk about it. Most of it, I really don't know what to say about it, also I've been a bit busy trying to work on this stupid paintings that I'm just not that into. I don't even know why I'm continuing with painting classes. I find it frustrating and I don't think its my thing.

My courses for this semester:
Intermediate Painting
Mixed Media and the Photographic Image
Saber Fencing
Editorial Photography (this class is suppossed to be really difficult)
Psychology of Stress

Oh how I'll miss never leaving the house though. I have my first babysitting job in a month on Friday. New people too reccommended by a current family. Good stuff.

What to wear, what to wear.... Maybe I'll see Benjamin sometime this semester. Prettiest boy I ever did see.

I like to miss people.

And I don't think that the people I know or that I'm friends with realize how often I think about all of them. I spend a lot of time thinking, or doing things like painting where I can think while I work... I live in my head and in my memories. I relive things over and over in my head. Its like they keep me company since I spend most of my time alone.

Sometimes I think its better that way. But then I think about all the new adventures I miss creating. That's where I think balance comes into play. I'm always wanting new adventures.

I want to go swimming in that one creek up north with all the snow melt water and freeze and shiver. I want to go to Mexico and lay on a beach with tacos and beer. I want to kiss someone on a hot dance floor, in the cold rain, and in my doorway.

There is excitinment hiding inside me somewhere.

So, the day before NYE Yaoska called me and was telling me things like "YOu're coming down (to LA), right? Right?!" And no one had called me about working and Paige hadn't called me back about hanging out so I figured no one cared if I was in SF or not. Problem is I had enough money to get down there with only $7.00s left over. I told her I was comepletely broke (which I don't think she got) and she was like "its fine. just come down and i'll get you back home."

So, New Years Eve I hoped the CA shuttle bus down to LA. On the way there my uncle's car got hit which I should have taken as a sign not to go. The bus leaves almost an hour late, and the fucking bus driver got lost in Studio City. So I wound up getting there after nine and everything was getting crazy and frantic. Yaoska and Beatrice pick me up. We head to Jorge's and I start changing. Beatrice asks "So where are we going?" Yasoska tells her "this is it." Both me and Beatrice look at each other fairly annoyed. And then the huge explosion when Yaoska finds out that Jorge's friends had taken her eight of pot. And at midnight Yaoska accidentially burns Beatrice (her best friend) in the eye with a cigarette pretty bad. It was a really random night but it was alright. I would have loved to have gone dancing instead but it was nice to see a room full of really attractive and educated latinos. (Me being the only one who coudln't speak spanish, of course.)

After that, I basically didn't eat for days and coudlnt' really do anything because of my lack of money. I got a $40 from my mom but that only lasted a few days with the needing to buy food (and that damn jacket). I dont' know. I freak out when I'm in Los Angeles. Its not like I don't like the city, I actually think its really interesting. Its the complete stripping of freedom that happens when I get there. I don't like feeling helpless and dependant on other people. Its beyond uncomfortable for me.

I started crying when my mom called me on what turned out to be my last day here. She asked if I wanted to come home and if I needed money and I said yes to both. Yaoska was a bit wierded out as she told me she's never seen me cry before. I though I cried all the time, but she's right. I hardly ever cry around people. I just don't like being vulnerable around anyone.

So, I come back home yesterday to a major upheavel in my family. An hour away from the city I find out from my mother that Carly has dumped Jessica again and Jessica is moving back home. When I am actually back in the city, I find out that my sister got dumped by her girlfriend the day after Christmas. So my two sisters are freaking messes and I get to live with one of them again. Problem is, now I have to dismantle my studio, which is now going to become Jessica's room. So now its liek I'm breaking up with someone. My work space has to leave me now. I spend so much time in this room... sigh. But I don't want to have Jessica sleeping in my bed. It just feels wierd. Plus I think she is really going to need her own space to get her head and life back together after this.

Then this new boy Gerald that I met a few weeks ago and we've slept together once already. (Basically we've seen each other twice) He calls me and asks if I can do him the favor of cutting some matboards for his roommate that's leavnig for LA today. He also keeps calling me "my friend" which I'm so not getting. Anyway, he comes over with his roommate Jared to get it done. The pictures were a bit strange so I was asking what was up with the strange lines. I think the friend Jared boy got all offended about it, even though I so wasn't criticizing and I was just asking but I think I come across meanly to people that don't know me because people are forever getting offended at me. So, yeah... I don't think his friend likes me which makes me sad, because that might have some influence on how Gerald acts towards me. I was looking really cute in my tight falling off my ass Levi's and the cute vest I just got (kind of boyish 70s chic), but it might have been too much for right then. It bothered me a lot and I had a hard time getting to sleep.

I've just been a lonely girl with a strong lack of affection and attention and I am scared that my faulty personality already has driven this boy away. He said last night that he wants to hang out tonight but I doubt he'll call me after last night. It wasn't baaad per se, but it was more than a tad awkward. GAH!

I can't help that I'm strange around new people!!!

Anyway, so I'm going to eat, put on some sneakers, throw clothes in the laundry and start dismantling my studio. *sniff sniff*

He wrote:

Carla,
Have fun in LA (if that is where you will be).

Thanks for that complete list of SF things to do.

I don't know what I will do. It seems that I just don't have the motivation to party that I used to.

NYE will forever be linked and compared to the night I met you... That was amazing.

Have a wonderful night and 2005.

<3
shane

He's one of those people I wish that we could still be friends but it just ended far too awkwardly and I can't really talk to him when I see him in person. At least I have warm memories. That's something.

Paige, Jade and I did some hanging out last night. Paige has a thing for molesting girls in photobooths.


As you can see, I was passed out in the photobooth and she started molesting me.


And since I liked it so much, we're getting married!!! EEE!!!

Anyway, been having quite the exciting day with Paige. Sephora, Macy's, getting engaged.

Wooo... Now who else wants to marry me? I'm a hot ticket, I tell ya.

Thank you so much to korshka for the amazing cookies you shipped me from the lovely land of Ohio!

I never get things in the mail and I was beyond excited to recieve something. And they were THREE different types of cookies! WOOOHOOO for awesome LJ friends.

Her cookies were damn yummy and didn't survive most than 6 hours at my house. Yum yum. and thank you korshka!

Your World (Part Three): How do you see your world [girls]
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Your World (Part Two): Your social world [girls]
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Your World (Part One): What is your world made of? [girls]
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Jesus fucking CHRIST!!!

I'm up early trying to be a good girl and go to class since I've been out for two weeks now but then I go to find myslf some bus money and i can barely scrounge up 40 cents!!! I went to my mom's room to try and raid her little coin jar and its empty. Freaking hell. How am I going to get to class?

"For even the most childish intoxication with progress will soon be forced
to recognize that writing and books have a function that is eternal. It will
become evident that formulations in words and the handling on of these
formulations through writing are not only important aids but actually the
only means by which humanity can have a history and continuing consciousness
of itself." (Hesse in Reading in Bed, ed. by Steven Gilbar, 1974)

Hey guys! I want addresses for Christmas cards!!
Either put it in comments or email me at Skylarnova@aol.com

Hep, korshka, and Paige, I already have yours. Everyone else, if ya want some love from me, gotta send me the info.

I don't think its normal to ALWAY feel so exausted. I sleep 7 hours, I wake up tired. I sleep 10 or 12 hours, I still wake up feeling like I need more sleep. I think I only have a couple optimal hours each day in which I can think proficiently and have some kind of alterness. Most of the time, I feel the need to sit or lay down. I don't think this is a good thing...

Tonight at City College there were speakers from Academy of Art University (SF), Art Center College of Design (Pasadena), and San Francisco State all talking about their art programs and answering any questions that students might have for them. I went to see the speakers as I have major interest in attending The Art Center. Its there or New York for me and I think I want to stay in California for now, and maybe do my grad work in NYC.

So, the presentation was really thourough and covered all the art programing (it wasn't a photography department thing so it was more broad) of the different schools. I was really impressed by the existing work of the students and of the faculty. The student to teacher ratio is 12:1, and most of it is studio time. The school is highly technical and more commercial based but the lecturer said that the new department chair is making a push to incorporate more fine art into the curriculum. Which is fine with me, and I'm highly fine art based, but I want to make money as well, and so the commercial aspect will be very needed for me. Basically the school's philosophy is to combine art with industry. Its highly structured which is good for me as I need that, and the assignments are approached in a way as if your teacher is your client and you have meetings to go over concepts and work with the "client" through the process as you would in the real world of professional commercial photography.

Anyway, after the lecture I had some questions for the woman who was speaking. We went into the hallway as the SF State speaker was starting his presentation. I asked her questions about what are they looking for in a portfolio and what a solid body of work meant to them. I had put together a varied portfolio in chance that they were having reviews tonight which they weren't. I told her I had a selection of works with me and she offered right if I wanted her to take a look at it. Turns out she's one of the counselors that would be looking at, and admitting my work anyway.

So, I drag her over to the photography department where there are tables to lay out my work, and good lighting. So she starts going through everything and tells me that she likes what she sees and that I'm ready to apply! This is a harder school to get into because your portfolio has to be really put together and has to meet a high standard. The average incoming freshman age is 23 as they don't want people straight out of high school that haven't really figured out what they want to do yet. They want people who've taken classes, worked on their craft and definitely know what medium they want to use and have gained that focus that's needed for this school.

She thought my work was highly consistant in quality, that the series pieces show strong continuity, that while I mostly work with people the images are varied and imaginative. She liked the fact that I've worked on locations, and in studios, have color and black and white. And that I have fine art work, and more modern commercial type work. Basically. she was really excited and told me that I can apply for as soon as the Spring semester. Woo!

I'm really pleased with myself at the moment. This is good because I've been beyond discouraged and hating everything that I'm making because I'm just hating my life in general right now. I've been depressed and unexcited and haven't been able to see anything without a cloud of disappointment covering everything I do. This makes me happy to know that someone who sees amazing art all the time sees potential in me. And while I know right now that I'm not the best at what I do, that there is a good chance that someday I will be. I'm excited. All the hard work, and crying and nervous breakdowns and long hours covered in chemicals that will surely one day give me cancer or lung disease isn't for naught.
Today was a very good day.




(photographer's note: This picture doesn't do the actual image justice. This was taken with a 4x5 view camera so there is IMMENSE detail in the environment, while the figure is slightly blurred intentionally to show movement, but the rest is in crisp focus.)

I am freaking hung over. I totally threw up on the way home. Just a little, but yep, threw up in my purse. And the pervy cab driver was trying to hit on me. Oh yeah.... I had to dig in my purse for my keys amidst the throw up. Now that was HOT.

I woke up this morning naked and totally disoriented. This is why you don't leave me with the bottle of vodka. Especially since I don't drink anymore. My body was getting unused to it.

Nothing amazing of fabulous happened but that's okay. I had fun anyway.

There wasn't many pictures taken of me just so you know. I can get dressed up again and have someone take my picture though. We'll see...

I hate people.
Fucking bullshit. I just need not deal with anyone anymore and thus I won't have to deal with hurt feelings and rediculous arguments.
Its fucking over. I just don't want this.

I just made this really good sandwhich. It has Bavarian Headcheese (a type of luncheon meat), goat cheese, purple onions, clover sprouts and a bit of horseradish sause. Its pretty freaking good, dammit.

I have this sudden urge to watch Ghost World but I'm too busy trying to alter the jacket for my costume as the sleeves were too wide. I want to put some gold bricabrac or some random ribbonage to make it even fancier. That and I NEED to dye it black or a cool color as this white color is NOT going to work at all.

I'm lonely. I need some sewing chit chat here!